I am sad because all of my friends are gone. I am glad that no one reads my blog any more so I can write things like how I feel mildly afraid to even text anyone.
Maybe it’s a fear of failure. Like I’m afraid that if we hang out, that person will discover that I’m secretly an uninteresting unattractive lump of human mess.
Or maybe that’s it, I’m in a self esteem slump. I just have to prove to myself that I actually have no problem carrying a conversation with anyone. I know that’s true;
but there’s this little fucking voice in my head as i reach for the phone that likes to say
but what if
Or maybe that’s it. Some weird habitual social anxiety. It’s obviously been a problem for me in the past. I need a confidence boost, or a way to fill my time.
I lock myself up because I’m afraid that in my absence from a person’s life (generally no one’s fault) I’ve lost the ability to be friends with those people I love. I’m not living like I tell myself to live, how everyone expects me to live, and most importantly how I want to live.
So here are the things that I want:
I want more than tea occasionally at The Sparrows with sam when he’s in town, I want to see Amy and my lovely little sisters more than once in a month, I want people to talk to about music, I want to play instruments and sing with my friends
I want to make some great new friends.
I want to learn to make myself a priority.
I want to see kelsey and be a part of her and even brian’s life.
I want to keep up this wonderful relationship i’m so lucky to have with moira
I want to learn not to expect too much, or get disappointed.
I want to learn to ease up, and stop letting myself get worked up.
Back when I was really depressed it was a perpetual slump like this. I know how to fix it, it’s very simple.
I need to breathe
Take time out of every day to really appreciate the things I have, and the people that I love. I don’t mean just mull it over, or think “Ah I love the people in my life and all the opportunities i’ve been given.” I mean think about 3 specific reasons, or great times I’ve had with each specific person. Think about why they’re important to me and more importantly why I deserve them, and why they deserve me. Every single day.
Most importantly, I have to realize that I don’t have to be sad if I don’t want to. It’s a choice, and I’m the only one stopping myself from being happy. It’s no one elses fault.
And once I’ve perked myself up, I can continue with my life.
In fact, I’ve made myself happier by the end of this post.